My Self Undefined: Letting Go of the Doer


by: Kyna / date: 2016-07-01 / category: Ascension


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Since my last (monster) post it has been necessary for me to just stop, pause, and look within and take stock of where I am and where I’m going next. The material about Soul Theory that I had released was something I had been carrying with me for 16 years. Even though it was not in the format I had imagined, one of my life goals was complete.

I then started my summer holiday and for the first time in ages I didn’t have a huge long list of things that HAD to get done because of various commitments. I’ve come to realise that, as well as completing a lot of things, I am also letting go of all the unnecessary demands from others (and myself) that no longer matter or apply to my life anymore. I’ve looked at my motivations for why I’ve been doing things and dropped, adjusted, or reduced those that were unhealthy. I feel lighter now - like I’m stepping further into myself and this new chapter of my path.

My energy field has shifted and I can feel the boundary between my field and others. I can sense when others pass through it, or try to control or manipulate it. I can tell better what energy is coming from me and what is emanating from others. I feel like there is now a bit of a buffer, or safety zone, between me and the chaotic sea of energies that is out there in the world. This has brought with it a sense of loss or loneliness too and it’s much harder to deny my inner voice when it’s telling me something difficult. So it has been a bit of a roller-coaster and I’ve had to take a lot of alone time in the sun to cry, contemplate, and process what is coming up for evaluation.

With all the little mini shifts that have been occurring in me throughout 2016 it is clear that I am preparing to move in a new direction. I feel like I’m currently in the ‘eye of the storm’ before some major shift in my life. I have no idea where this will take me but right now my job is to let go of the ‘doer’ and just accept and be with my inner self without the definition of all the roles I had been playing. I don’t know what direction my soul is going to urge me towards next. This is a lull period.

For someone buried under a mountain of work for so long it has taken a bit of getting used to. At first I would cry and feel that big lump in my throat. I would sit with the pain and it would take a while to dissipate and could be set off again quite quick. After I returned to work I found the first week was a bit hard. I was only there one day in the end and that day I had to duck to the bathroom once as I felt on the verge of tears. Then the rest of the week I was suffering due to extreme nerve pain and sleep loss; most likely due to the massive light downloads and sun activity going on at the time. The following week things got better. I was able to sit more with the uncomfortable thoughts I needed to contemplate without feeling like I was going to burst into tears. So a lot of processing has been going on and I’m just sitting with it and seeing how it changes over time.

I think one of the reasons I fell into the ‘workaholic’ and ‘perfectionist’ traps in the past was because it gave me something to fill the Void so I didn’t have to look at the uncomfortable parts of myself - as I was too busy. Having this inner alone time in June has brought me to a place where I have a much clearer mirror of my self, as well as the guts to look into it - no matter how painful. I know a big change is coming but I have no idea how it will unfold and what effect it will have. Over the course of 2016 I’ve had many important dreams, and have come to many realisations, that have been preparing me for this shift. Although I consider many interpretations of these dreams and insights I’m trying not to cling to any particular form or outcome because I know that only causes suffering and delays things from resolving. Where this shift will lead me only my soul knows for now...