After my last post about ‘Letting Go of the Doer’ I have been spending a lot of my alone time sitting with all kinds of emotions and issues that have been coming up to be healed. The 40 days between the Summer Solstice and the end of July I have been sitting with some of my biggest fears and oldest pain and the process hasn’t been easy. I felt it necessary to go through this without writing or talking about it to anyone because I needed to know exactly how I felt before I exposed it to the influence of others.
The Inner Guide
I’m learning to trust my inner voice above other people’s opinions more - no matter how close they are to me. I have been standing in my own light, and looking inward to my own Source. I’ve had the habit in the past of latching onto other people’s opinions and holding them higher than my own truth, but that part of me is dissolving. So to be sure I was acting in accordance with my own soul, and not someone else's, I kept this all to myself until I figured it out. So even though I was around people at home or at work, this was a very lonely process to go through within.
Although I am not ready to talk directly about the doubts and pain I have been processing, out of respect to those involved, I do feel the need to talk about the Dark Night of the Soul process that I have just been through. The doubt that I experienced in those 40 days was profound, deep, and all encompassing. I felt like the rug had been pulled from under my feet. I was off balance, ungrounded. I wasn’t sure of anything. In fact the whole process felt close to a form of depression except that I wasn’t resisting it or clinging onto what was happening through me. I was just letting it be what it was and letting whatever it triggered in me to surface. In fact, this whole experience showed me that I had finally learnt how to handle negative moods, because in the past something like this could have cost me years of my life before I had the strength to crawl out of that dark hole I created around it.
I found myself dealing with issues that I had not looked at in some time and I thought I had dealt with. I was playing various simulations in my head to cover the different scenarios of action I could take. Sometimes I thought I came to a decision on something and then a few days later I’d do a 180 degree U-turn. However I part of me also knew that the time to act was not whilst I was in the Dark Night of the Soul and my ego didn’t like this one bit. It wanted to DO something about all this stuff coming up NOW, instead of letting it just be. The ego would chat away in my head so much that I began to learn the value of inner silence.
The Final Test
In the last 24 hours of this 40 day trial the one issue that had stuck with me from day one was put to the ultimate test, and I heard what my soul wanted at last instead of the ego yapping away. The doubt was finally released. The process also brought up another issue that I had been avoiding dealing with for over a decade. It prompted me to contact the person I wanted closure from to see if it could finally be put to rest. Since then a huge wave of relief mixed with exhaustion poured over me. I’m worn to the soul, but I’m on the other side of it now. I feel like I did what I needed to do and got what I needed out of the process. But it wasn’t easy. Not one little bit.
The Other Side
This however is only the beginning. I’m not suddenly cured of all pain. My life is the same, but I am not. I hold myself differently, I view myself and those around me differently. I am grounded again, centered in my heart. Now is the time for acceptance of what I cannot change and to otherwise act in integrity with my soul, instead of out of the painful habits of the past. That is the real test.
Something that has changed since I went through this process is that I am learning to relax into myself, to trust my inner guide, to know that everything I ever needed is within me. Instead of giving away my power and casting my energy outside of myself, looking for someone to attach to as the fountain of all knowledge and the satisfier of all my desires, I am going within and finding it there instead. This is a far more peaceful state to be in.
I find myself looking for the spark of Source within everyone including myself. I’m learning to accept everything I experience without resistance, knowing that I attracted this moment into my life and to own it. I also have to be willing to be a living paradox as I transform. As what maybe true for me one day could be contrary the next, as each day holds it own lesson.
Most days I am filled with love and my heart is overflowing with light but there are others where there is a sense of loss as I let go of the past. I know given some time for these transformations to settle out, and a lot more sleep, I will be feeling a lot better. It feels like the ‘good’ kind of pain you get when you’ve stretched a muscle that really needed it. It hurts to begin with but it will be in better condition in the end. Looking after myself and loving myself regardless of the roles I’ve played, the mistakes I’ve made, the flaws I’ve carried, or the deeds I’ve done is the challenge I’m focusing on now. That, and seeing where the path I’ve taken during the Dark Night of the Soul will lead me...